[ENG] Pizza Chronicles

[GuaRRand]

I wrote a short story ages ago (2001) while under the influence of Pizza and Beer.
This is what happend
(i posted this way back on the old glcoti forums, but it crashed... so sorry if you already read it )


I'll start with Chapter one .. good place to start...

P.S. this was written with the game NeverWinter Nights from Bioware in mind.. the game i was playing at that time.. so excuse the references.. it will get less as the chapters progress

Once upon a time, there was this wizard called GuaRRand.
He was a gentile wizard, who's only act of semi-evilness was that he killed his mother-in-law 2 years ago. But she had it coming.

GuaRRand was married to this blond bikini babe called Vewa.
Vewa didn't like RPG's, so she won't be in this story.

One day, after just having BBQ'ed the three little pigs (again, they had it coming), GuaRRand decided to take a small walk along the A6 freeway. He always liked to look at the cars whoosing by.

While he was walking to the freeway, a dragon dropped out of the skies.
"This is odd" thought GuaRRand, "its not the seasons for dragons dropping out of the skies"
Well, the dragon did anyway.
The dragon landed with a great big SMAK on the ground and GuaRRand had to take a step back.

After awhile the dragon looked up and said: "OMG THAT HURTS!!, I DON'T KNOW WHY WE JUST CAN'T LAND NORMALLY, LIKE BIRDS DO. MY GOD MY BACK ACHES!!"

It looked to GuaRRand that this dragon was not a normal dragon. He had never encountered a yellow dragon with a red striping before.
So he asked the dragon what kind he was.
The dragon explained that he was a rare species of 16Valve, Turbo, Sports dragon.
They were almost extinct because of the high fuel prices.
GuaRRand wondered about this awhile and agreed that this was completely logical.
Fuel prices HAD risen to an alltime high these last few years.

After a brief chat with the dragon, GuaRRand asked wtf the dragon was doing here anyway.
This not being the dragon season and all.
The dragon smiled and said:"Well, i am looking for a wizard by the name of Fizban".
GuaRRand pondered and pondered where he had heard that name before, but he couldn't quite remember. He was having problems with his longterm memory of late.

Sorry that he couldn't help the dragon with his quest, GuaRRand left the dragon and went on his way.

After about 10 miles of walking GuaRRand heard some giggling.
He was just about to go and see what or who it was when a woman came running out of the bushes.
GuaRRand, always in for a good joke, tripped the woman and watched her tumble over the ground.
GuaRRand laughed his pants of.
The woman, seeing the pants drop ran over to GuaRRand, got on her knees........and stole his pants.
"FAWK" screamed GuaRRand, "MY PANTS!!"
Not wearing any pants, GuaRRand was hesitant to run after the woman to get his pants back.

But, GuaRRand was a mighty wizard and he would show this woman that it was WRONG to fawk with a wizards pants.
He cast HOLD PERSON on the woman.
It worked (duh..ur a mighty wizard or ur not).
He walked over to the woman.
"WHY did u steal my pants woman" asked GuaRRand.
"Well, like ur a wizard right?" asked the woman.
"DUUUH" said GuaRRand. "wtf does that have to do with anything?"
"Like, really man, why does a Wizard wear pants?, don't you guys wear robes and cloaks?" said the woman.
"Robes and Cloaks??, well, actaully we do normally" replied GuaRRand.
"Sooooo????, why are u wearing pants now??" asked the woman.
"BECAUSE BIOWARE REPLACED CLOAKS AND ROBES WITH DAMN SPANDEX PANTS AND TIGHT SHIRTS!!"



-END-

[Loope]

okey geen wodka meer voor rich

[GuaRRand]

Chapter 2

The Kender and the Pig

GuaRRand woke up with a scream.
"EEEEK!!"
He jumped outta bed and look around in confusion.
What time was it, where was he, how did he get here and most importantly, was there any cheeze left in the fridge?

He zigzagged through the crowd and walked over to his fridge.
Looking through the hole in the wall he saw that it would be a beautifull day.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the dogs were barking and the goblins were slaughtering the neighbours (they had it coming).

Putting on his spandex pants (grrr) he kissed his wife on the feet (why was she lying the wrong way around?) and walked out the door for his morning walk.

He decided he wouldn't go to the freeway today. because it was a carfree sunday anyway, so there wouldn't be many accidents to enjoy.
He therefor decided he would visit his old friend Knitz Wanderfoot.

While he was walking to Knitz, GuaRRand stumbled upon a small yellow feathered animal.
"HELLO!!..what's this then" GuaRRand said.
"KREEE KREEE" screamed the little yellow feathered animal.
"Kree kree??" GuaRRand thought, "wtf is that supposed to mean?
Are you calling me names?? GuaRRand said.
"KREE KREEEEE said the yellow animal again.
"OK THATS IT!! said GuaRRand and he stomped the yellow animal.

While stomping away at the animal (damn, it was hard to kill, which is a SAD movie btw) the feathers flew every which way.
One of them actually attacked his nose.
This made GuaRRand sneeze SO loud that he blew the little pigs house down in one sneeze.
This made the pigs very mad indeed, they had just finished installing their new firewire network and had themselves a 1337 LAN server park setup.
The pigs walked over to GuaRRand, Shovels and axes in their hands.

GuaRRand, never afraid of anything, and SURELY not of three hams, was looking in amusement at the three approaching pigs.
He was just about to cast Summon Big Bad Wolves when a dragon dropped out of the sky.
With one big flame salvo the dragon BBQ'ed the pigs.
GuaRRand, who hadn't eaten yet, was greatful for this BBQ fest and started to dig in.
"OH BOY" said GuaRRand, "This is my lucky day it seems"
"I really needed a new shovel and axe!!"

WHen he finished eating the three pigs (hey, he was hungry ok!!) he turned to the dragon.
"Yo, gimmi 5" said GuaRRand
"Sorry, i am all out of cash" said the dragon.
"Out of cash?..ur a dragon, u guys always have a treasure stacked somewhere"
"Sorry, hard times have befallen us dragons, inflation, high fuel prices, dental plan. You know how hard it is for a dragon to get a good dental plan??"
"Ok, ok.. 2.50 then?" asked GuaRRand, who wasn't about to give up, dragons were always good for a buck or two.
" Nope, sorry, i am all out of cash. I have some cookies though"

Utterly depressed but with a full stomach GuaRRand resumed his way to Knitz's house.

Finaly he arrived at Knitz's house.
He opened the port, walked up the driveway (nice Benz!!), petted the dobbermans (watch the hands, their not insured!!), marvelled at the large pinwood trees and arrived at the door.
"HE KNITZ, YOU HOME M8" yelled GuaRRand
"NO, I AM FACTORY BUILD!" came the reply from inside.

NOTE FROM THE WRITER:Everybody get that one?

Knitz opened the door and invited GuaRRand in.
Knitz's place was a simple house.
Knitz being a Kender ment that his house was full of little thing-a-majigs and interesting maps from every place imaginable.
There was even a complete map of a place called sigil, which ment nothing to GuaRRand, but then again, he was having problems with his shortterm memory of late.

Just when they where about to sit down for a spot of tea, the doorbell rang.
"That's strange" Knitz said, "I don't even have a telephone!"
Knitz opened the door and stared straight into a bellybutton.
Knitz, always the explorer, poke the bellybutton and prodded it with his hoopak, which he had lying around for situations just like these .
"HEY, STOP THAT, That tickles" said a voice from above.
"IS THAT YOU GOD?" said Knitz.
"No, its the mailman" said the voice.
"Oh, well, can't you just leave the mail on the doorstep?" said knitz.
"Errmm..you don't have a doorstep" said the voice.
"so?, why don't you just ring the doorbell and give it to me then" said knitz.
"Uhm, ok" said the voice.
Knitz closed the door.

RING RING

"Hey, that's weird" said knitz, "there goes my telephone again"
Knitz opened the door and to make a long discussion short, he recieved a package, signed for it, gave a tip and closed the door.

"What's in the package" GuaRRand asked.
Knitz opened the package and looked inside.
"A note" said Knitz.
"Kewl, what does it say" said GuaRRand
Knitz unfolded the note and read it out loud.

"From Bioware, to the writer of this story. KENDER ARE NOT IN THIS GAME!!, SO STOP THIS IMMIDIATLY!!.
Greetings Bioware"

"FAWK" said Knitz and dissappeared.
"Go figure" said GuaRRand and walked home again.

-END-

[Thjuri]

Just asking: how many 'three little pigs' are there?

[GuaRRand]

3?

[Thjuri]

9 'little pigs' dus.
Ahh, dat verklaart de 2e bbq

Originally Posted by GuaRRand

3?

[GuaRRand]

Originally Posted by Thjuri

9 'little pigs' dus.
Ahh, dat verklaart de 2e bbq

2de?

[Thjuri]

hoofdstuk 1 begint met bbq
hoofdstuk 2 bbq door draak.

[GuaRRand]

fawk me... nooit gezien
nou, laat dat en les zijn kinderen.. pizza maakt meer kapot dan je lief is

Maarja, het verhaal zelf zit vast met allerlei onlogische zooi.. dus kan dat ook wel

[Thjuri]

Was me nog niet opgevallen.

Originally Posted by GuaRRand

Maarja, het verhaal zelf zit vast met allerlei onlogische zooi.. dus kan dat ook wel

[GuaRRand]

Chapter 3

Journey to the center of the yard

It was that time of the year again.
The garden had to be done.
GuaRRand was ordered by the most powerful being in the know universe, his wife, to clean up the garden, feed the fishes, throw out the trash and clip his nails.

Although this task was a simple feat for a wizard of GuaRRand’s stature, he decided NOT to use his spell of instant garden cleaning, fish feeding and nail clipping (He had done this before ).
It was a nice day and he didn’t mind getting his new levi’s dirty.
So he got on all fours and started cleaning away the leaves, dirt, b33rcans and joints (how did that get here?).

All of a sudden he felt a slight tremor in the ground beneath him.
Just as he was about to jump away, the ground opened up and a giant pink koala jumped outta the ground.
"HOLY <censor>" yelled GuaRRand, who had never seen a koala jump before, "WTFS ARE YOU!?"
The koala jumped and squeeked at GuaRRand waving his arms and legs continously, which caused him to topple over a couple of times.
"Look teddybear, this ain’t gonna do you any good, what..do..u..want?"
The koala kept on jumping and making funny signs and movements with his little arms.
"Ok, i am getting angry now, one more time, WHAT DO U WANT?"
The koala stopped, grabbed GuaRRand and yelled,
"I WANNA USE UR TOILET YOU M0R0N!!..GEEEEZZ"

Not wanting to anger a giant pink koala, they were known to be very quickly agitated and nobody wants to get a giant pink koala agitated!!, GuaRRand showed the koala the toilet.

When the Koala was doing his thing, GuaRRand couldn’t help noticing the big hole in the ground, since he was practicly in it.
Wondering where this hole would lead he bend over and looked in the hole.
"EEEEOOOOO, KEEEDEEEEOOO, DAYLIGHT COME AND WE WANNA GO HOOME!"
He waited for somekinda echo, but it didn’t come.
"That’s weird", he thought.
"Whats weird?" a voice from below said.
"Well, that there is no echo!" stated GuaRRand.
"Well, duuh, that’s because this is a no echo zone" said the voice.
"Oh i didn’t know that" said GuaRRand
He was just about to get up again when it hit him!!
And it knocked him unconcious.

After 2 hours, 23 minutes and 43 seconds, GuaRRand woke up again.
"HUNNY I’M HOME!" he yelled.
"NO YOUR NOOOT!!" Yelled someone.
"I am not?" GuaRRand said
"Nope" said the voice.

A small creature walked out of the shadows.
It was somekinda reptile or lizard or…..dragon?
"Hi, i am BeeDee" said the small lizard.
"I will now eat u alive and steal ur pants"
"Not again" thought GuaRRand
"Nehh, just kidding" said the dragon.
"Who ever heard of dragons wearing pants!?"
"Who ever heard of midget dragons" said GuaRRand.
"HEY that’s not fair, don’t call me a midget, i am just a vertically challenged individual" said the dragon.

At this point a large red striped dragon came crashing through the ceiling.
"AHA, There u are" said the large dragon
GuaRRand and the vertically challenged midget dragon looked at eachother.
"I was looking for you zifnab"
"Zifwho?" they both said
"Oh, sorry..wrong story" and the dragon leaped out again.

"RIGHT", said GuaRRand while he jumped up
"That’s it, no more sillyness, i am getting outta here"
GuaRRand opened the door, stepped outside, and was greeted by his wife.
"Hi dear, how are you feeling"? Said Vewa
"Well hunny, i had the strangest dream…."
GuaRRand closed the door and walked away with his wife
On the door was a sign that read:

BIOWARE & CO INC. United and friends
(exits with a twilight zone sound)

[GuaRRand]

Chapter 4

The Gnomes

Flying through the skies was such fun.
The wind through your hair, your cloak flying around your ears, your hat going it’s own way every few seconds.
GOD how GuaRRand hated to fly. But since he lived about a zillion miles from the nearest K-mart, it was the only way to travel and since the most fearsome, evil, powerful creature in the known universe, his wife, had said that it was his turn to do the shopping (which it was almost every week), he could only obey and try to avoid the pigeons.

He landed on the parking place, whipped the feathers from his eyes (damn pigeons) and straightened his cloak and hat.
"Ok, let’s get this over with" he thought to himself, which isn’t difficult since he wasn’t a psychic and couldn’t think to somebody else.

He entered the K-mart and looked at the shopping scroll his wife gave him.
"Cheeze, a new fridge, cookies, spam, nailpolish, 2 goats, a tube of dragon polish and some dead doornails" he read out loud.
"DEADDOORNAILS!!" he heard multiple voices shout behind him.
GuaRRand jumped up, turned around….and fell flat on his face.
He pulled himself up from the ground (hey, your a great powerful wizard or your not!) and looked into the faces of several gnomes.

"Gnomes at the K-mart" GuaRRand thought.
"YESGNOMESATTHEKMARTYESWHATISSOWEIRDABOUTTHAT?" said all the gnomes in Dolby digital surround sound.
"Wow, slow down, I can’t make out what you’re saying" said GuaRRand
The gnomes looked at eachother in confusion.
"WHATDOYOUMEANSLOWERAREN’TWETALKINGSLOWENUFFASITIS?"
"OK, guys, one more time…please slow down, I can’t understand you" GuaRRand said with a red face.
Again the gnomes looked at eachother.
After a few minutes of staring at eachother they pushed one tall gnome, well, taller then the rest anyway, to the front.
"I…hope…you…can…understand…me…now" said the gnome.
"Yes although you’re speaking a bit slow" said GuaRRand.
The gnome had a fit
"OMGYOUINSENSITIVEB<censor>YOUGOTMEALLWORKEDUPNOWAN DTHATSNOTAGOODTHINGI’LLLET YOUKNOWMYGODIAMABOUTTOEXPLODE……"
Which he did.

After cleaning up the floor (they blamed him ofcourse) GuaRRand addressed the rest of the gnomes, who, seeing their colleague explode like that, started to talk normal speed.
"So tell me, what are you guys doing here at the K-mart"
"Well, we’re selling dead doornails" said one of the gnomes.
"That’s convenient, I need some dead doornails" said GuaRRand
The gnomes sold GuaRRand some dead doornails and were about to leave when one of them stopped and turned around….and turned around again, did the hokey pokey and turned himself around..again. The other gnomes applauded franticly. The dizzy gnome bowed and joined the group again.
"Funny guys those gnomes" said GuaRRand.

It took him the better part of the day to get the other items on his shopping scroll (damn this K-mart is big).
"Alright, just one more thing, the cheeze"
GuaRRand took the elevator to the 23rd floor, the Cheeze department.
The Cheeze department had all kinds of cheezes.
Smelly cheezes, even more smelly cheezes, REAL disgusting looking cheezes, round cheezes, square cheezes, straight cheezes (not next to eachother though those two don’t mix to well) and loads more.
It was cheeze heaven.
GuaRRand loved cheeze, it was all he could do not to nibble at his feet every so often.
Which was disgusting now that he thought about it. But then again, it was kinda like sex, why buy something if you could get for free??.
He went roaming through the cheeze department to find the cheeze he needed.

"OMGLOOKITSTHATIRRITATINGWIZARDGUYAGAIN" came a shout from behind one of the cheezestalls.
GuaRRand looked around and saw the same group of gnomes. They were selling cheeze.
"I thought u guys sold dead doornails!?" said GuaRRand
"We do, but we also sell cheeze and computer games" said the gnomes in unison.
"Computer games, like which?" Asked GuaRRand
"Hey we can’t say, it’s all hush hush you know" said the new tallest gnome.
"Yeah, its not like we’re gonna tell you that’s its a big online Multiplayer RPG that has like a zillion spells and characters in it and its called ‘WHACK SLAM KAZOINK’
The gnome went down. The other gnomes jumped him and started to beat him, then gag him and pushed him in a corner.
"WHACK SLAM KAZOINK???…weird name for a game" said GuaRRand
"Yeah, well your not a 1337 game developer now are ya" said the tall gnome
"Nope, I am just a great and powerful wizard who is doing the shopping".
GuaRRand bought the cheeze he needed and walked off again.

Back at the Gnome cheeze stand.

"OMGKEVINWTFCAN’TYOUHOLDYOURBIGMOUTHFORONCE?" said the tall gnome
"WELLSCREWMEHALFWAYUPTOHELLTRENTIAMSORRYOK?" said the bruised gnome
"YOUANDYOURBIGMOUTHWESHOULDHANGYOUUPSIDEDOWNINAPOND FULLOFNASTYGNOMEEATINGFISH" said a bright haired gnome.
"YOUCANSCREWMESTRAIGHTUPTHEASSDAVID" yelled the bruised gnome
"NOWNOWBOYSDON’TGOKILLINGEACHOTHERJUSTYETWESTILLHAV ETOTHINKABOUTWHATWEAREGONNADOABOUTHISWIZARDHEKNOWS TOMUCH"
said a dark haired gnome.
"WHATAREYOUSAYINGBOB" said the tall gnome
"WELL…." Started de dark haired gnome.

By this time the started to talk to fast that I couldn’t understand anymore, so we’ll leave them for now.

GuaRRand was already flying home with the groceries.
Dodging the damn kamikaze pigeons as best as he could, trying to stay in the right lane (those fawking 16V turbo dragons we’re whooshing by every few seconds) and balancing that awfully heavy fridge on his back wasn’t an easy feat (AHA, thought I forgot about it, didn’t ya ).

After 2 hours of flying at mach 1.2, which is damn fast when carrying a fridge and avoiding kamikaze pigeons, he arrived @home.

"HUNNY, I’M HOME" he yelled
"NO YOUR NOOOT" yelled a familiar voice.
"OMG, not again" GuaRRand said, while looking around him.
The door opened and out walked the midget dragon.
"Vertically challenged individual, @#%&^@#$&$"
Luckily his wife also walked out to great him, and she was the most powerful creature he knew, so if the mid… vertically challenged dragon tried anything, it would feel the wrath of his wife.
GuaRRand grinned at that idea.
"So, what are you doing here" GuaRRand asked the little dragon
"Well, getting that tube of dragon polish, my scales are starting to look a bit pale"
Without saying anything else, the dragon started rummaging through the shopping bag.
GuaRRand, not paying any more attention to the little dragon, grabbed his wife and walked inside.
"Hunny, I got me some fine cheeze from the store, let’s go get nasty with it" GuaRRand said with a wink.
His wife giggled, slapped him on the chest and ran upstairs.
After his breathing came in regular intervals again, GuaRRand grabbed the cheeze and walked upstairs.
When he closed the door to their bedroom, he just manage to hear the little dragon yell,
"HEY WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THESE 2 GOATS??"
GuaRRand closed the door and didn’t hear anything else for a loooong time.

-END-